Let’s Buy Canada, Ay? It’s About Time Canadians Become Americans
Only the arrogance of a Canadian can explain why our friends to the north are overly critical about the way we do things here in America. With so many Canadians making their way south for the winter and so many of them end up staying either as illegal immigrants or as legal cross over citizens, it is no wonder why Canadians hate us so much. It is quite obvious that not only is our weather warmer and our economy bigger, our way of life is so much better than the Canadians have up north. They are envious enough of us while consuming everything American, to push in our faces the fact that their is a ‘Canadian Identity’. This Canadian attitude enforces their false sense of superiority, while at the same time, relying so much on us. They in fact forget their place in North America and forget the fact that if it were not for their so called inferior cousin to the south, they would all be speaking Russian. So much are they dependent on us, that they have allowed their armed forces to dwindle, their coast guard to be non-existent, and their air force to be a joke. They in fact rely on the United States to defend their borders, build up their economy and their dollar, while paying us nothing. This, my fellow Americans, has got to stop. I say they need to pay their fare share. I say let’s buy the entire country and make them all Americans so they can pay their fair share of taxes.
So here is our firm and final offer: The United States of America hereby offers each and every Canadian Citizen ( only living ones, not like the 10% dead ones that voted in their last election) One Hundred Thousand American Dollars ( $100,000), in return for their country and the esteemed and honorable right to become Citizens of the United States of America. This offer is good until we say it ain’t. Ay?
The Reasons Canada is Worth Buying
1. Canada has a lot to offer us (or U.S.). First, it is the other ‘White Meat”. Canada is the 2nd largest country in the world. It has a lot of snow and lots of water. Fishing is also pretty good up in Canada. We get nova from Nova Scotia. We get salmon from the Frazer River. We get Kraft cheese.
2. Canada is the #1 producer of Uranium in the world. This non-nuclear country supplies the U.S. and the rest of the world with most of the uranium and at the same time stands firm on telling everyone not to blow themselves up with it. That’s what I call a good sense of values It is the largest producer of aluminum. It has iron ore, gold, tin, silver, platinum, and maple syrup. We use this stuff all of the time down here in the USA.
3. Canada has a lot of oil. Alberta is loaded with it. We can eliminate the need to buy oil from those bloodsucking middle east terrorists. Alberta has something called Tar Sands. We can use the tar to make oil and the sand to fill our beaches. Simply put we separate the tar from the sand! There is a lot of natural gas up in Alberta as well. Alberta is the Texas of Canada. Up in Alberta they even look like Texans, with cowboy hats, rodeos, and country Music. Ann Murray is from Alberta, I think. We definably need another Texas. I like Ann Murray.
4. Most of our lumber comes from Canada. They have a lot of trees since they have very few people. If we were to cut down more trees, we can move more people to Canada. We can use their lumber. We can use their lumberjacks. We need a lot of red paper. especially in Washington.
5. Canada is only 30,000,000 people. It is a little larger in population than the state of California. Come to think of it, remove all of the Canadians in show business from California, and it would balance out to be the same size. ( No offence to Dan Ackoryd wherever you are).
6. 90% of the people in Canada live near the U.S. border anyway and they steal our airwaves without paying for them. NBC, CBS, ABC, are all there free of charge. They steal our HBO with their satellite dishes and programmed cards. Not nice! They have television stations of their own and their own pay per view stations. But they show only films with mostly Canadian actors. That’s why no one over here wants to steal Canadian satellite programming.
7. The best Canadian actors live in Hollywood California like William Shatner. He liked being a Canadian so much that he became American. Now they can’t show Star Trek movies. Once we buy Canada, they can once again see Star Trek legally.
8. Most of the Canadians live in a city called Toronto. If you visit Toronto you would think that you are in Chicago, except the place is cleaner and the people talk funny (Eh?). Torontototonians would have an easy time adjusting to becoming American. They would only have to loose the accent, and stop saying ” I’m Sorry” all the time when they bump into you. We move the Torontonians to New York, and let them bump into all the people that they can. Then every ” I’m Sorry’ will of course be met with the best choice words a typical New Yorker can muster.
9. Most of the hockey players come from Canada. I am tired of this. Taking over Canada will allow us to say that most players come from United States. It’s quite simple. The good news is that their football stinks. We should take the worst team in the NFL and make them play every Canadian Football League team. This will teach the Canadians a lesson since the worst team in the NFL is better than any team in the CFL. Maybe they will stop playing that sissy CFL game and stick to Hockey!
10. Canada has no army to speak of. A few soldiers here and there. They have 5 F-18 fighter jets. We can have them when we buy Canada. I hope they work since the pilots don’t fly them when there are clouds in the sky. They have a navy made up of 3 ships. 2 of the ships are in dry dock all the time since they have problems with their engineers. They are still looking for the 3rd one. Canada is a big country you know. Once we finish the buy-out, we can help them find their lost ship.
11. I am tired of Canadian bacon. In Canada there is no such thing as Canadian bacon. It is just plain bacon. The only time a Canadian eats Canadian bacon is when they are in the United States. I think that the United States buys all of the Canadian bacon and that is why the Canadian’s don’t have it. When we buy Canada, we can give them back some bacon. After all, they should be able to eat their own bacon shouldn’t they?
Quebec Not Needed: France can have them back
Quebec is not included in this deal. A few hundred years ago the British won it from the France in a famous battle no one remembers and gave it back the next day. They didn’t want it either. No one wants another Puerto Rico.Perhaps we can divert the Navy from bombing the Puerto Rican island of Vieques and have them bomb Prince Edward Island instead. PEI as most Canadians call it (they can’t even spell PIE right) is a province in Canada with less than 50,000 people. They have a lot of potatoes there. We don’t need potatoes. We buy Idaho potatoes. We really don’t need Prince Edward Island. Tell me of another place in the world where they name a province after a “Prince”. Everyone names their places after kinds or queens like Louisiana, Kingston or Martin Luther. You have to think pretty small to name a province after a prince. That is why no one lives there. They are embarrassed. Having the Navy use this PEI place as a bombing site will definitely solve the problem with Puerto Rico.
We should still keep Newfoundland though. They got a lot of fishing up there. They are unemployed at a rate of 30%. That’s because everyone is fishing and no one is working. We know how to exploit this situation. We would declare Newfoundland as a Federal Park and hire everyone on the island as guides for people that come up there to fish. Quebec can go. Newfoundland can stay. With Quebec’s population of 6,000,000 people we save $6,000,000,000,000 in the buy out. That’s not chump change you know. Except for the English speaking people still living in Quebec. Those 2 dozen may come on board with the deal provided they give up their right to speak French when they want to. The French speaking majority can then join France who has agreed to take them, only if they stopped speaking French as well. It turns out that the French spoken in Quebec compared to the French spoke in France, is the same as English spoken in the hills of Kentucky and Tennessee compared to English spoken in England.
Buying Canada: Land is Cheap
Buying Canada at $100,000 per person would mean we would have to spend $3,000,000,000,000 to buy the country or $1335 per acre. Where can you buy land for $1335 per acre? No where in the United States. They even have some buildings on it. Cheap! Since there are more than 300,000,000 Americans living into he United States (illegal immigrants do not count) then the cost per person for this sale is: $10,000. To offset this purchase, all we have to do is partition Canada into 300,000,000 pieces and give it to each American. Since Canada has a total of 2,247,054,528 acres, that would mean that every American gets 7.4 acres of land! All this for $10,000! Where can you buy 7.4 acres for $10,000? This is some land sale.
The Deal Outlined
I spoke to several of my Canadian friends. I told them that here is the deal: We give you $100,000 and you become American. So they started to negotiate with me. Here is the deal I struck:
1. They keep their health care so long as they can afford to keep their health care. They have access to our hospitals so long as they can afford to pay our hospitals. They get to keep their Canadian Rats for testing.
2. Prince Edward Island: they said we can bomb it. They live in Toronto. They hate potatoes.
3. $100,000 is OK as long as it is in US dollars. They are afraid that one day they are going to wake up and realize that their dollar is based on our dollar. Since we are printing more money to pay back what we owe, and we owe them a lot of money, they might as well accept our paper. Besides, their money looks like Monopoly money. No one trusts it even though it is pretty.
4. CFL: They want to keep their boring football game. 3 downs, a bigger field. Ok. We have Montana. No excitement their either and no NFL franchise as well. I said let them keep their CFL league so long as they allow us to sell our beer there.
5. Army. They also said that they can’t find their army. They think that the army is over on Bosnia. they promised to try to find the 2 men and bring them back home so that they can also get $100,000 each
6. Deer and Seals. We will allow them to hunt the deer and clobber the seals. They like that. It makes them feel macho.
7. Miami Beach: They wanted to include a free trip to Miami Beach every year. I said forget it. They said…then we will continue to go to Cuba. I laughed. How can you compare Cuba to Miami Beach? The shopping here is better and we have more places to go to. Most Quebecers are here in Florida anyway during the winter. They arrive here by car and spend very little money. It’s free to them anyway, just not the rest of Canada.
8. I promised that we will send speech therapists over there to help them get rid of their Ay habit. It’s enough already. They got to learn how to speak American just like the rest of us.
9. They got to stop playing with the Queen. they need to grow up. The Queen is for babies.
10. They need to become patriotic Americans and not sell out to the highest bidder. Here in America I told them people would not sell their citizenship not for a million dollars. Find me one person that would become a Canadian citizen for as cheap as $100,000 and sell out their country in the process, except for Alec Baldwin of course.
Therefore Mr. Prime Minister, please accept this offer in the name of the people of Canada. After all, all of the Canadians are sort of Americans anyway, with a different accent…eh?